They say a picture is worth a thousand words…. so an advert should carry much more weight. Despite large scale advertising campaigns, drink driving still persists.. inevitably, I guess people think they wont get caught… or maybe they’re not that far over the limit. The most serious consequence of that decision is that of innocent people being killed.. and it happens every year. The numbers aren’t dropping, so either the advert campaigns are ineffective.. or we’ve just become immune to them. I remember when I was living back in Ireland that there was a rather graphic series of ad’s on TV.. aimed primarily at showing the realities of drink driving. They were graphic to the extent that people actually changed channels…In one of them, even though it was simulated, people simply couldn’t handle watching a young boy of 5 or 6 years of age being killed…. The message was simple and clear… drink driving was the cause, they saw the effect… but it still didn’t deter drivers from doing it.
The photo above is from a few years ago….the Honda motorcyclist rider was traveling at such a high speed;, his reaction time was not sufficient enough to avoid this accident. Police estimate a speed of ~250 KM/h (155mph before the bike hit the slow moving car side-on at an intersection. At that speed, they predicted that the rider’s reaction time (once the vehicle came into view) wasn’t sufficient enough for him to even apply the brakes. The car had two passengers and the bike rider was found INSIDE the car with them. The Volkswagen actually flipped over from the force of impact and landed 10 feet from where the collision took place. All three involved (two in car and rider) were killed instantly. At 250 KM (155 mph) the operator is traveling at 227 feet per second. With normal reaction time to SEE-DECIDE-REACT of 1.6 seconds the motorcyclist would have traveled over 363 feet while making a decision on what actions to take. In this incident the police indicated that no actions were taken.
In today’s news here, drunk drivers in Ontario could lose their cars, trucks, motorcycles or snowmobiles under a new provincial law that takes effect Wednesday. It allows the courts to impound a vehicle involved in a drinking and driving offence if it was also owned or driven by someone whose license was suspended for drinking and driving at least twice in the last 10 years. The vehicle can then be sold, and any victims of the drunk driving incident can apply for compensation from the proceeds. The courts can also release the car if the owner agrees to install an ignition lock that forces the driver to pass a breath test, or agrees the people convicted of drunk driving will not have access to the vehicle. Ontario’s civil forfeiture law already allowed for the seizure of vehicles used for dangerous driving offences such as street racing, going 50 kilometers or more over the speed limit. I think its about time the courts caught up and dealt with these repeat offenders.
Mention ‘Human Trafficking’ and it instantly conjures up the images of the male or female arriving in the country off the jet… having been lured there by false promises of whatever… only to find a very different reality. Today’s Sunday paper here had a twp page article on the topic, where they talked to one such girl, plus police officers that had been involved in the case. Essentially such trafficking is the exploitation of another human being, and although there’s a (conservative ?) estimate that there’s an average of 600 - 800 people trafficked into Canada anually for the sole purpose of slavery, its also happening within the country on a similar scale. The police estimate that the number of internationally trafficked people would pale in comparison to that of what happens on a domestic scale. Incredibly (or perhaps not as surprising when one realistically thinks about it) the money that these girls earn isn’t kept by them at all, its all handed over… fear being the simple ‘weapon’ that’s used to control them. Reading this now 21 year old woman’s account of her life is simply scary… the fact that it could well be happening locally and you’re unaware of it… the effect on her mentally will no doubt be lifelong… even with counseling I think. So much for our so called civilized society… her testimony however led to Toronto’s first human trafficking charges since the legislation came into effect in November 2005
I guess it was inevitable over time… that children from the same biological parents would meet innocently, fall in love and marry - not knowing of their past, or their true relationship to each other. With the privacy laws that exist surrounding adoption, its not exactly easy for a child to trace their biological parent(s), although its part of our human nature to want to know them perhaps. For many, I assume its wanting to know them, and perhaps why the adoption took place. I’ve never had to experience that situation thankfully, but its a reality for so many globally. I’ve nothing whatsoever against couples that make that decision to give up their child - it has to be the most heart wrenching difficult decision to make of a lifetime, and perhaps sometimes with regret. Inevitably, its normally made with the best interests of the child taken into consideration.
The breaking news over the past week of twins separated at birth, raised by separate families and obviously never told the other existed (if the surrogate parents even knew) has raised speculation over the laws and privacy surrounding adoption. Meeting later in life, feeling the attraction and marrying, having now turned to heartache for all concerned has to be difficult for the brother and sister to deal with now. What should have been a joyous time perhaps for a brother and sister to be reunited after so many years apart couldn’t have resulted in worse circumstances as were disclosed in the news.
David Alton, a member of Britain’s upper House of Lords, first raised the case during debate on a proposed new law on in vitro fertilization (IVF). He says it highlights the need for children to know who their parents are. He fears that under the new law, the biological identity of one parent of a child born as a result of IVF could be removed from the birth certificate, creating the potential for similar tragic mistakes to occur. “The government … have not accepted the argument that you should have the right to know who your biological father is on the birth certificate,” Alton said. With this ‘case’ in the news headlines around the world, hopefully it would prompt those in the relevant positions of authority to review the laws surrounding the issue - although I personally doubt it will ever happen, governments have that nasty tendency to stick their heads in the sand and wait til it goes away.
I’m aware that not every biological mother and/or father wants to meet their offspring which they gave up for adoption. Neither does every adopted child want to seek out their biological parent(s). It is after all, their right within the law, although perhaps not morally so. I do think though that children should know who their biological parents were, or at least have access to information in some fashion that would help avoid incidents like this happening. No doubt its not the first time, and around the world, there’s perhaps couples married that are completely and blissfully unaware of the true relationship between them. Its a scary thought, but sadly, all too real maybe.
The year has passed quickly and once again its Christmas. Thanks to you all of you whom have been in here reading during the year (and not fallen asleep 
). A special thanks to those of you that helped out with the blog here and there, your help was very much appreciated. I wont be yappin my mouth off here until the new year, so a Merry Christmas to all of you.. thanks for being a friend and see you all back here in 2008.
Now first and foremost, since I’m male, this blog on parenting is probably going to have somewhat of a male perspective, and I can’t help that sorry…..
Being a parent brings joys and challenges to your life and when you become a parent you have a responsibility to provide a safe, loving and nurturing environment which will meet the emotional, physical, mental and spiritual needs of your child. Parenting is one of the few jobs we’ll have in life that we can never really train for beforehand. First time parents are understandably nervous, as they’re afraid of making a mistake, or doing something wrong. Visit any bookstore, and you’ll find whole sections of books on the subject, and weekly if not monthly magazines offering tips etc. Personally, I think that while a book may offer guidance of sorts, being a parent, whether married or single, is an experience all of its own, and with a continual learning curve.
Nobody can really tell you how to raise your child(ren). I think if you’re a good role model for them, use your common sense and instill responsibility in them from an early age, then your offspring will grow up to become reasonable mature independent adults . As parents, we’re their first teachers, so we instill values and good attitudes in our child from the day they are born. We all know children will be children and will be mischievous, so we make allowances for that. More often than not you point out the things you are displeased with and by pointing out the good, this will help bring balance to their lives. Family and friends mean well when they give advice, but if they go against your values, I think we should be strong enough not to give in to them. Being a parent takes a great deal of patience, love and getting the right support when you need it. Children grow up quickly, and along with what I’ll call the milestones along the way such as baby’s first steps and so on, having a child can and should be a wonderful part of your life.
One thing I firmly believe in when raising a child is that parents should provide a unified front. By this I mean that both parents should be in agreement and back each other when dealing with their child. I know when I was young that I’d pretty much get away with whatever with my father… he pretty much just wanted to keep the peace. My mother on the other hand had no issues with discipline. These days, much is made of how we punish our children, and when I was growing up corporal punishment was the norm and was pretty much accepted. I can remember being in 4th class (4th grade) at school, and the teacher at the time has a 2 foot long length of plastic pipe. Whoever did something out of the way in class was subjected to a wallop or two of that on each palm of the hand. We used to hold onto the cold metal legs of the desk afterwards to cool down the burning feeling. To do it now would be the beginning of a lawsuit. I think that while most in my generation would maybe agree that while it didn’t do us any harm; there are more appropriate and effective ways to discipline. The thing is, by knowing that you’ll get away with something I think will affect how you value morals and maybe make decisions. That true distinction between right and wrong won’t be there.
TV here in Canada differs to that in Ireland in two ways mainly. Adult or mature content in Ireland is generally shown after 9pm, when its generally assumed that most young children will be in bed. Here in Canada, a warning precedes the show warning about the content, especially if it’s violent or graphic – we don’t have that on Irish TV. What our children watch on the tube does influence them, and of course, we’re not going to let them watch something they shouldn’t see. They do however take role models of sorts from what they watch. We’re all familiar with the young boy pretending to be Spiderman or whatever hero he likes most… the young girl dreaming of being a princess or whatever … you get the drift. Provided we’ve done a reasonable effort in raising our children, they’ll know morally what’s right from wrong.
These days we’re all more than familiar with young women… well teenagers really…. becoming pregnant. I think personally the root cause is partly how they’re reared, but that peer pressure can also play a big part. Teens look to fit in… be part of the scene. Much was made in the past week of Britney Spears younger sister being pregnant. Now, the fact that she’s an actress on a popular TV show and is possibly a role model for a certain amount of young girls everywhere; does the fact that she’s pregnant say to these viewers that it’s ok to become pregnant? The fact that her older sister is battling child custody and other related issues has no bearing on how her sister will bring up her child. The reality is that she’s a 16 year old girl that’s pregnant and will be a mother in a few months time. The unfortunate aspect is that this is becoming an all too common everyday occurrence. I think at that young age, they’re not really emotionally mature enough to be a parent.
However, attitudes have changed towards single mothers in recent years, and it’s becoming somewhat more accepted now. I can recall a time in Ireland, and still in the west of Ireland these days, that when the daughter fell pregnant out of wedlock… it bought shame on the family, and invariably, they often took a holiday with aunty B or uncle x. Behind the scenes, she went to a ‘home’ for pregnant girls and when the child was born, it was handed over for adoption. In Douglas where I used to live, we had one such institution and a book was published a few years ago by one of the women that had been a ‘client’ there… the horror of the abuse that took place behind closed doors is terrifying. I feel I must hasten to add here that I have nothing against single mothers whatsoever… in fact I think they have a lot harder job in rearing a child as they have to be both mother and father, and kudo’s to them for doing so.
Parenting when the parents no longer live together brings its own set of difficulties. The reasons may be divorce or separation for example …. But its effects on the children can be devastating and lasting. What does it mean to have a child raised by two parents, in two locations, with two sets of ideas? Is it better to pretend to agree or to disagree openly? How can they work together when they are not together?
The ultimate goal is to have a relationship between ex-spouses that is focused on the children and their well being, without destructive and repetitive patterns of behavior. This perhaps is too simple, but in essence it is what I think has to happen. Circumstances will dictate a lot of the behavior of the ex-spouses and they should be aware of how it affects their children. Sometimes, children become involved as agents of enmeshment. If one parent seems needy and lonely, one of the children in the family may deliberately become aligned with that parent, in effect she/he is taking the place of the absent parent. This traps the child in an unhealthy and enmeshed relationship with the needy parent. I still think that the parents need to be in unison even though they are no longer partners where their children are concerned. I may be wrong in thinking this, but I belief that to do otherwise will leave the children with conflicting views and/or beliefs. If the parents are to disagree on something, such as a discussion should be done away from the children. Making it work is possible if both parents co-operate – sadly in many divorce cases this isn’t so…
At the end of the day, no matter how old they are, your son(s) and/or daughter(s) will always be your son and/or daughter.
The following text wasn’t written by me, but it does raise what I think are a few valid points. I don’t necessarily agree with everything it says, but there is a lot that I do agree with. Have a read of it first, and I’ll add my 2 cents at the end of it……
Guy’s point of view
This is very cute! And even written by a guy originally! You might agree with it, but when it actually happens, 99% of girls don’t realize it ’til it is too late and that guy who did it is so frustrated that he has moved on to someone who will take notice.
From a guy’s point of view:
v We don’t care if you talk to other guys.
v We don’t care if you’re friends with other guys.
v But when you’re sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room
And you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.
v It doesn’t help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without
even acknowledging the fact that we’re still there
v We don’t care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned.
v Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can’t wait till the morning.
v Also, when we tell you you’re pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
v Don’t tell us we’re wrong. We’ll stop trying to convince you.
v The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.
v Yeah, you can quote me.
v Don’t be mad when we hold the door open.
v Take Advantage of the mood I’m in.
LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON’T ‘FEEL BAD’
v We enjoy doing it. It’s expected. Smile and say ‘thank you.’
v Kiss us when no one’s watching.
v If you kiss us when you know somebody’s looking, we’ll be more impressed.
v You don’t have to get dressed up for us.
v If we’re going out with you in the first place, you don’t have to feel the
v need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.
v We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
v Honestly, I think a girl looks more beautiful when she’s just in her pj’s, or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up.
v Don’t take everything we say seriously.
v Sarcasm is a beautiful thing.
v See the beauty in it.
v Don’t get angry easily.
v Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
v Don’t talk about how hot Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us.
v It’s boring, and we don’t care.
v You have girlfriends for that.
v Whatever happened to the word ‘handsome’/’beautiful’?
v I’d be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with ‘Hey handsome!’ instead of ‘Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy’ or whatever else you can think of.
v On the other hand I’m not saying I wouldn’t like it ether.
Girls: I cannot stress this enough: IF YOU AREN’T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON’T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH HIS SORRY DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION ASS,> AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT
v Someone who will honor your morals.
v Someone who will make you smile when you’re at your lowest.
v Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
v Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
v Someone who will stop what they’re doing just to look you in the eyes….and say ‘I love you’ ……….AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT!
*****Give the nice guys a chance*****
Holding Hands- Girls: If you want to hold his hand, gently bump into it a couple of times.
Guys: Grab it if it happens more than once.
*************
Cuddling- Girls: When you want to cuddle with him, tell him you’re cold.
Guys: Automatically move closer to her.
*************
Movies- Girls: During a movie, if he puts his arm around you, tilt your head on his shoulder
Guys: Lift her chin up and kiss her.
*************
Loving each other- Guys: When she tells you she loves you, look deep into her eyes, give her a peck on the lips, and tell her you love her too… And mean it.
*************
Laying below the stars- Girls: When you’re both laying under the stars, put your head on his chest and close your eyes as you listen to his steady heart beat
Guys: Whisper in her ear and link your hands with hers. Now make a wish about something you would like to happen Between you and your crush….
Now, I’m thinking that most people will agree with almost everything that this says. Are you like me and read it through a few times? I’m going to say that I don’t agree with everything that’s there, but I do think a lot of it is true.
Both the guy and the girl will each have both mutual friends, but also their own circle of friends, whether they are same or opposite sex. I think each side needs to respect that. You may not like their friend(s), but that doesn’t give you the right to tell them to not see them, and vice versa. It’s basically a bit of give and take I think. A pet peeve of mine is when I’m with someone and we meet a friend of theirs. It’s nice to be introduced, especially if you don’t know the other person, after which you can stand aside if needs be and let them have their conversation. Of course, (unspoken) manners might dictate that you’re included in the conversation… much better than having to feel like a third wheel. Now I will concede there are times that you may have a brain fart and forget your friends name, more so if you don’t see them often, or perhaps not for quite a while – but there are ways to bring it up in conversation so you can casually ask their name.
Phone calls are part of; I think of many a friendship. It’s nice to be able to call up a friend whenever you feel like it to have a chat… make arrangements to meet up and go out … you get the picture. We all have friends that we could generally classify into two types; casual and close. Casual being your everyday friends that you can chat and have a laugh with, but then there are the few close friends that you know can cry on their shoulder with when you need to. Friendship that’s this close between people… well you know you can call on them at anytime, be it day or night. Personally, I make it a point of ensuring that people in what I’ll call here, my close friends circle, know that they can make that call and I’ll be there for them, be it day or night. They know how to reach me no matter where I am. Having said that, it’s understood without saying, that a middle of the night call will undoubtedly be important, and not a drunken middle of the way home call. Basically, what I’m saying here is I don’t agree with the ‘don’t call at 2am it can wait till the morning’. Friends should be there for each other when they’re needed.
Now I may be old fashioned… but I do tend the open the door, and let the woman go first… when and where I can. In this modern day and age, I’m aware the woman likes to be more independent however. A lot of couples go dutch and each pays for their own, but I also think that there should be occasions where the guy pays… and that the girl just enjoys the day/evening/night out as the case may be., and this can also work in the reverse also. I don’t see this as making the guy/girl any less independent, but just a time when they can show how much they care for the other. Now I don’t mean to insinuate either, that either guy r gal would be having ‘their love bought’ by doing this. Don’t forget to complement each other; we all like it, whether we’re male or female. It seems to me to be something that’s being done less and less these days, which I think is a shame, but then that’s me. Either that or I’m hanging out in the wrong places.
The part “IF YOU AREN’T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON’T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE. DITCH HIS SORRY DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION ASS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT” goes without saying, or it should at least. I don’t care how much you’ll love him, if he treats you like crap, chances are he’s always going to, and like a leopard never changes its spots, neither will the guy change his ways, even if they promise to do so. People, whether they’re friends or not, at the very least deserve to be treated with respect… even if they’re ‘enemies’, a little respect (and yes it can be hard to give it at times) always goes a long ways I think. Life isn’t fair though, and it never was… but I do believe in treating others the way I’d like to be treated… and that’s not to say that one shouldn’t stand up for oneself when needs be, one should.
Part of life not being fair and especially with friends, family and/or colleagues is that there’ll be times that we fight, disagree, or argue over something. It can simply be something trivial that starts it or perhaps more serious in nature… but if people can sit down and talk about it, chances often are that a compromise can be worked out. There’s always going to be the few that can’t be… but by and large, I think friends will always respect and love you, even when you make mistakes, or how bad you may make each other feel. For a couple, a fight or an argument is often resolved, but I think that in the making up, it somehow brings them closer together.
Perhaps I’m wrong in this, but people don’t seem to be intimate anymore in public, well not much anyways. Go back a decade or two and it was the ‘done thing’. A couple held hands… walked down the street… and weren’t afraid to show affection for each other. Maybe I’ve watched too many movies…lol, and need to get out more, but I think that today, young couples tend not to do it perhaps in fear of being laughed at by their peers… you may often see the quick peck to say hello or goodbye, but rarely do you see a more intimate one. It’s also a comfort zone between the people, and they’ll just do what feels right at the time. Are times changing that much when we ‘frown’ at such things being done publically? I’m not advocating that people jump each other’s bones every five minutes past every street corner… but it’d be nice to be able to tell them that you love them and show them that, without fear of rejection or embarrassment.
The reasons for people getting together in life vary considerably, and more often than not, it’s because they ‘gel’… there’s that common ground between them. How it progresses is up to them. It shouldn’t matter what the other has or hasn’t, how they dress…or anything like that, it should be for the person they are in my opinion. There’ll always be the ‘materialistic’ couples and friends… but that’s not a lifestyle I’d care to be a part of. Conceivably, the list above may perhaps be qualities we’d all like in our ideal partner, and as I said earlier, while I don’t agree with everything, a lot does have its places in friendships and relationships. I don’t for example agree that the sexiest thing about a girl is confidence… this will differ for everyone, but it’s a quality that I would admire. I think we can all see a little or more of ourselves in the excerpt, and indeed also what we’d like in others… and how we’re treated by them.
Close your eyes, maybe even cover them with your hands…so all that’s there is darkness. Imagine that’s how you’ve lived your life up to now. I always remember my parents saying that if you lost one of your senses, the others would heighten to compensate, or you’d become gifted in some other way. As a photographer, I couldn’t imagine having to live blind, it’d be horrific. Now that’s not to say I’d be happy to loose any other of my senses. I was watching a show on TV a few nights ago, one of these ‘reality’ shows which featured a patient and his undergoing an operation to possibly restore his eyesight. The operation involved the replacement of his corneas… the success rate of which was 50 - 50. He figured he had nothing to loose and so went ahead with it.
Imagine being married and having never seen your partner… you’ve never seen your son… you might have imagined their appearance…heard their voices… so getting your eyesight would be such a huge thing to receive. His blindness had been caused by an ocular degeneration.. this operation was effectively a shot in the dark… perhaps an experiment of sorts by the surgeon. Incredibly ..it worked. The man saw colour for the first time in years….saw sunshine…saw his wife…..two of the hospital doctors conspired and sneaked him out to see his son playing in a sports game… to their joy… his son scored the winning shot… all in all, the experiences were incredible and overwhelming. The doctors were ‘caught’ by hospital admin and placed on probation.
Further tests following the surgery showed a disaster in the future…. he would loose his eyesight again… and within the next three weeks. The man was glad to have had the brief window which would provide him with years of memories… his son thanked the doctors… for the next time he was at a game and his father was watching him, he’d remember the look of pride his father had on his face as he watched him score. It was an emotional moment in the show, the hospital admin relented and took the doctors off their probation, commenting that it was possibly a good thing that they had done.
Could we truly handle such a situation with that grace? being blind for so long, getting your eyesight for that brief window of time, only to have it snatched away again? Everyday, we take so much for granted and we don’t even realize it. Human beings have a curious capacity to take things for granted. The most exquisite diamond loses its luster with familiarity. The most compatible intimate becomes boring. Miracles like the daily sunrise fail to astonish because they’re commonplace! Repetition and time dull our sense of wonder. We endow novelty with powers and attributes that it does not really possess.
When a thing becomes familiar to us, the mystery we have projected onto it is lost. We see it without the overlay of our imaginings. The irony in this idiosyncrasy of human character is that we are disappointed by the very things that used to excite us. The once new job, sexual partner, or leisure activity is now tedious. We feel let down rather than uplifted. Disappointment is a consequence of our expectation that an object or event will continue to provide us with stimulation regardless of how constant our contact. Unless we adjust our expectations accordingly, we will continue to feel deflated.
Anticipate boredom! But is this really a serious solution? Another alternative is to maintain a fresh perspective on the commonplace by living life with contrast. We need to open our eyes and look at whats really around us, for being able to balance expectation and disappointment in our lives is completely within our grasp each and every day. How many of us ask ourselves “Is this all there really is?”
It’s a tough, but heartwarming story…with a picture of John Gebhardt in Iraq
John Gebhardt’s wife, Mindy, said that this little girl’s entire family was executed.
The insurgents intended to execute the little girl also, and shot her in the head…
but they failed to kill her.
She was cared for in John’s hospital and is healing up, but continues to cry and moan.
The nurses said John is the only one who seems to calm her down,
so John has spent the last four nights holding her while they both slept in that chair.
The girl is coming along with her healing.
He is a real Star of the war, and represents what the Western world is trying to do.
This, my friends, is worth sharing with the WORLD! Go for it!!
You’ll never see things like this in the news.
The public needs to see pictures like this and needs to realize that we’re making a difference.
Even if it is just one little girl at a time!
With the need to date fast and find quick relationships, the Internet has taken on somewhat the role of ‘a hook-up location’. Daily our email accounts are filled with spam from websites promising true love, and I cant or will not discount that some of these dating website do work for some people. We’ve all seen the success stories from these websites, they’re well publicized, sadly though, they never tell you how many failed ones there are. Unfortunately, with the Internet having become so prolific in recent years, with most homes now having a personal computer, the net is also a potential stalking ground for relationship seeking gone awry.
There are some inherent problems with Internet relationship seeking. It is difficult to read body language, eye lingo, and verbal pacing of sentences via email. One of the ways people can keep themselves safe in dating relationships is to feel and respond to their red flags. Red flags are greatly reduced by the inability to see first hand someone’s immediate response to statements or questions. Email, which is usually how people first talk when met on the Internet, impairs the ability to get early insight into potential relationship problems.
People have created false senses of intimacy via Internet relationships. This false sense of relationship intimacy increases rapid personal disclosure. The relationship connection with someone online (that you have no idea if he is safe or not or who he says he is) becomes privy to a bulimic-like purge of personal problems and information. The Internet increases relationship fantasy—you can be whoever you want to be with someone you aren’t sure you will ever meet. The increase in non-credible information about someone is significantly higher. People can lie about where they live, their marriage status, previous relationship history, career, appearance, or criminal history.
People who are unhappy in their marriage find Internet relationships to be the perceived escape out of misery they have been seeking. Many are disappointed (or even horrified) to find the relationship online is all fantasy and not much reality. Women have left husbands for online men who never materialize. When it comes to who the person is or what the relationship is, they find it’s more about what the person has projected and fantasized the relationship to be—not what it will become in the future.
While it is unlikely that Internet relationship seeking will ever disappear, we need to understand the risks of Internet hook-ups and the ways it puts us at a distinct disadvantage in reading body language and red flags. However, when signals are being misread or misinterpreted, we seem to loose all commonsense and can only focus on whats in front of us.
The Internet presents people with a way to talk to each other anonymously, without divulging real identities. Most people on the Internet know each other by “screen names” and email addresses, and do not even know each others names, ages, locations, addresses, phone numbers, etc. This anonymity gives people the opportunity to discus sensitive issues or politically or religiously “incorrect” topics with relative freedom from fear. This can give a person the courage to say what’s really on his mind, to tell his deepest secrets to his Internet pen pal, to connect at a depth that face-to-face friends rarely do. One can link hearts, minds, souls with a person 2000 miles away on the Internet far easier than one could locally, face-to-face. But in addition to fostering courage, the Internet also fosters cowardice. This cowardice can take many forms, including “flaming” (the spouting of angry, hurtful words), “spam” (obnoxious advertisements), cons and rip-offs, and misrepresentation.
Some people believe that Internet relationships should be kept at the level of casual acquaintances only, and that Internet conversations should be limited to chatting about safe, harmless, inconsequential, brainless junk with people you don’t know the real names and locations of, people who come and go and disappear like cyber-ghosts, people who may be misrepresenting themselves, people who have no intention of forming any relationship beyond a casual acquaintanceship. But in my journeys through the Internet I have always looked for real relationships or friendships with real people. The kind of shallow, meaningless acquaintanceship that seems to be in vogue these days on the Internet leaves me feeling cold. The phoniness of it becomes appalling. I keep thinking, “Is this all there is? Where is the warmth? Where is the closeness? Where is the Love? Where is the caring? Where is the substantiality?
At the end of the day, no matter where or how you meet via the Internet… there is a real person at the other end, with real feelings. How you choose to interpret them, or respond to them… well that’s a personal choice we’ll have to make…….The Internet is a great way to meet new friends, but I see no reason to limit such friendships to the Internet, should you choose to bring it to real life. Where do I stand in all this? I’ve made several good friends, some of them close, over the many years I’ve been online, and these friendships are now maintained in what I’ll call my real everyday life…..and I look forward to continuing to do so for the near future to come.
During the financial panic of August 2007, frequent reference was made to billions of pounds wiped off share values. Nothing could have been further from the truth. Billions were wiped off share prices yes, but price and value are far from synonymous. If they were the same thing, many ‘celebrities’ would be street sweepers, and ‘designer labels’ would be meaningless. Similar arguments could be places upon ‘earned’ and ‘was paid’. Repeatedly in the media, we read where someone ‘earned’, say $2m, last year. But how realistic is this? Yes s/he may have been paid $2m, but did s/he earn it? Peers will immediately jump to their defense, their argument may be that money doesn’t matter, its just a way of keeping score, of demonstrating how good you are. This is nonsense. The measure of how good you are is how good you are, it has nothing to do with how much you are being paid.
To see this at its most extreme perhaps, spend some time around a hospital. One nurse is an angel, always smiling, always reassuring, always helpful. She may be a vision of loveliness as well, so we fall half in love with her. Quite honestly though, if she is a good nurse, no matter how homely her features, she will always be a vision of loveliness. Another nurse with exactly the same rank, paid exactly the same money, is sour faced, dismissive, unhelpful, nothing is too little trouble for her. Even if she is conventionally a beauty, she is ugly when considered as a nurse.
More close to home, mothers are all too often not recognized for their true value in our lives. Daily repetitions of what are perhaps meaningless household chores are carried out… perhaps walking for miles around the home, keeping it maintained and ‘respectable’… looking after their loved ones….but its an unpaid job, for which the value is all so often taken for granted. A recent study on what a stay-at-home mother would make if she used her skills in the marketplace put her compensation at $134,000. A mother who works outside the home would earn an additional $85,800. Numbers like that clearly indicate the monetary value of mothers. Yet, who can really put a dollar value on a mother’s hug and kiss? You might argue that we have Mothers day where we can demonstrate our appreciation - but I say that’s just one day out of a year, we should show our appreciation much more than that, and I’m sure many of you do. It is rare to find a love that is bigger than a mother’s love for her child. It matters not how old we are; all other loves are measured by the love our mothers have for us.
Can I see my new baby? the happy new mother asked. When the bundle was nestled in her arms and she moved the fold of cloth to look upon his tiny face, she gasped. The doctor turned quickly and looked out the tall hospital window. The baby had been born without ears. Time proved that the baby’s hearing was perfect, it was only his appearance that was marred. When he rushed home from school one day and flung himself into his mothers arms, she sighed, knowing that his life was to be a succession of heartbreaks. He blurted out the tragedy… a boy, a big boy…had called him a freak. He grew up, handsome for his misfortune. A favourite with his fellow students, he might have been class president, but for that. He developed a gift, a talent for music and literature.
The boys father had a session with the family physician, could nothing be done? The doctor decided that a pair of ears could be grafted, provided they could be procured, whereupon the search began for a person who would make such a sacrifice for a young man. Two years passed by and then one day, his parents told him he would be going to the hospital. Someone had been found who would donate the ears, but it would be a strict secret as to whom the person was. The operation was a complete success and a new person emerged. His talent’s blossomed into genius, and school and college became a series of triumphs. Later he married. He asked his father from time to time, who had given so much for him, for he could never repay them enough. But his father replied, that possibly no, he couldn’t, but the agreement was that he not know.. at least not yet.
The years passed and kept their profound secret, but the day did come …one of the darkest days that can pass through any son or daughter, he stood over his mothers casket with his father. Slowly, and tenderly, the father stretched forth a hand and raised the thick reddish brown hair to reveal, that the mother had no outer ears. Mother said she was glad she never let her hair be cut he whispered gently, and nobody thought mother less beautiful did they?
Real beauty lies not in the physical appearance but in the heart. Real treasure lies not in what can be seen, but what cannot be seen. Real love lies not in what is done and known, but in what is done and not known. As the old adage goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, for seldom do we see the true beauty and love that we posses within us.
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